Monday, 30 April 2012

E-Mails - Putting Terror into the Hearts of the Gullible

This email came from my cousin - I wish she had sent me recipes instead. She's a great cook.

It read:

I want to thank all of you for your educational emails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery. 

I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, nor do I have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel. 

I cannot use the remote in a hotel room because I don’t know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels. 

I can’t sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed..hmmmm 

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one’s nose. 

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years. 

I can’t touch any woman’s purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom. 

Special thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing. 

I now have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. 

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time. 

I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program. 

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa’s Novena has granted my every wish. 

I can’t have a drink in a bar because I’ll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone. 

I can’t eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers. 

I can’t use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a farm animal on a hot day. 

I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. 

Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. 

I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car in case a serial killer crawls in to my back seat when I’m filling up. 

I no longer drink Pepsi or Fanta since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put ‘Under God’ on their cans. 

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer. 

Thanks to you I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt. 

And from great advice shared I can’t ever pick up a penny dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a Sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over. 

I no longer drive my car because buying gas from some companies supports Al Qaeda, and buying gas from all the others supports South American dictators. 

I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 feet out of the toilet. 

I can’t do any gardening because I’m afraid I’ll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off. 

If you do not forward this to everyone on your email list bad luck will follow you for the rest of your life ;-) 

A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail (and blogs) with their hand on the mouse. ;>) 

Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too late. 

Is it any wonder I'm so ነዑሮትች?

Friday, 27 April 2012

Black Pearls

I Love Coffee!

I buy the darkest oiliest coffee beans I can find and grind them to make the most delicious cup of coffee I can.  
I usually use a drip pot, sometimes a French Presse, occasionally a cappuchino machine.  
I like it as a frozen frappe concoction with a drizzle of Kahlua.

Don't even get me started on chocolate covered coffee beans.

My name is Joy and I am addicted to coffee.

I also like to paint.
I paint as a method of meditation, to forget about the crap that has happened during the day, to let my mind wander from the crazy corners of stuff I hide away to deal with "later" and, because I really just like to paint.  
I am not good at it, haven't taken lessons  but should, and it really is an excellent excuse  for not cleaning the house.

I drink coffee while I paint.

It's easier to drink coffee and paint than to drink coffee and throw clay on the wheel.

Well, maybe not easier, but not as messy.

So here is the combination of two of my vices - a picture using coffee as the paint.

Tuesday, 24 April 2012

Green Goodness

The Husband thinks avocados are nasty - texture, taste, smell, all of it.
Son #1 agrees with him.

Son #2 (my personal favorite - I like him best!) loves avocados.
Just like me.
Mostly we like guacamole, but we like it sliced on sandwiches, diced into salads and this favorite.
Avocado Yogurt Dip

Here's the recipe.

1/2 cup plain yogurt 
I drain my homemade yogurt so that the dip its thicker and creamier but you could use Greek yogurt
2 ripe avocados, peeled, pit removed and mashed (I know they have fat - but it's the good fat)
1 tbsp mayonnaise
1 clove garlic finely minced 
1/2 tbsp finely chopped shallot
3 tbsp chopped fresh cilantro
1 tbsp finely chopped seeded jalapeno pepper (sometimes I live on the edge and use cayenne peppers)
2 tbsp fresh lime juice
1/4 tsp ground cumin
Salt and black pepper, to taste
Cilantro - did I say that already?

 Place everything in a bowl, mash with a fork until smooth. You can put this in a food processor if you prefer creamier dip.
Season with salt and pepper, to taste. Maybe a splash or two of your favorite hot sauce (mine is Tobasco)
 Scrape dip into a serving bowl and serve with pita chips, tortilla chips, or cut up veggies.

Crack an ice cold beer as a chaser  because this dip might be too healthy, or too spicy, or just because.

(Son #2 doesn't have beer)

I wonder if an avocado tree will grow in Zone 4?

Sunday, 22 April 2012

Earth Day Fail and Levon Helm

I didn't know it was Earth Day and I cut down a tree.
(Not this one - another one.)

In my defense it was old, dying and covered with a fungus.

I will replace it as it was an integral part of screening out the neighbors partially finished work shop.
(remember them from my rant last year?)

They did have some progress though.
They tacked on some house wrap.


Now the house wrap is flapping in the wind.

Calm down Joy, Calm Down.

I think I will go to Coldstream Willows Nursery and buy a new tree.

I wonder if any come with noise blockers?

Maybe I'll just put on my IPod and listen to Levon - his music makes me happy
Our loss is Heaven's gain.

Thursday, 19 April 2012

Parents! Listen Up

Not my words, but so true, and every time I read this I get all teary...
..and then I hug my boys.

I hope they grow up to be that kind of man.

Tuesday, 17 April 2012

Love you, Be Good!

I have had a painful neck/back  (shoulder area really) for the last week and a half.

I have been taking various forms of pain pills, hot and cold compresses,  and trying in vain to get a massage from any of the three quite capable pairs of hands in my household.  
Nothing has been working  for pain relief and I figured it's time to call the doctors office.

The most painful of all is that I have been getting zero in the sympathy department from my family.

I have been wracking my brain trying to remember what I did.  
What do I tell the doctor was the cause of my severe pain?  

No, I didn't hurt myself while leaping into action stopping a purse snatcher and I didn't pull a muscle while lifting a car off a toddler,  I also didn't pinch a nerve while rescuing a drowning man.

Then I remembered!  Ah Ha!  Son #1 takes his motorcycle skills test this coming Friday.

So there it is  - it's a stress pain.

He will be on his motorcycle, driving down the highway, without me.

 I won't be there to drop him off at his friends saying, "Be good!", "Don't do drugs!",  "What time do I pick you up?"  "Do you have money?"  "Keep your penis in your pants!"  "Love you!"

He won't miss that, but I sure will...

Is it just me or do they grow up way too fast?

Seriously, has anyone tried acupuncture?  My neck really hurts......

Monday, 16 April 2012

...and in her yard she had some Squirrels, e i e i o

Archie the dog is a terrier.

Part beagle and part Jacket Russell.
He did not inherit the better parts of either of these breeds.
He is a garbage hound and he loves to run away and kill rodents and small animals.
He is the Alpha dog, pushy and rude.
He doesn't look like he would be like this but don't you remember your mother telling you that looks could be deceiving?

Last summer a squirrel moved into our yard.  We think it is a red squirrel.
It stole all the hazelnuts from our tree - it even fought off the stellar jays to get them.
It picked hundreds of plums from our plum tree
and stored all of these goodies in our neighbor Troy's garden shed loft.

Troy, when he realized what was going on, nailed up boards so the squirrel couldn't get inside to get its winter stash.

We saw the squirrel all winter long,  foraging for food and quite happily annoying Archie the Dog and Troy the Neighbor.

He would scurry along the top of the fence chattering at Troy or run on the deck and peer through our patio door - pissing off Archie the Dog who would yelp and shake and frantically run around the house until he was let out to have a chance at the kill.

The squirrel was just too fast and too cunning for Archie to catch him.

The husband had enough of the neighbor Troy and the dog Archie and so brought home a live trap last weekend and set it up. 

We were sure he would bag Archie before he got the squirrel but two days later there was our cute little red squirrel, inside the trap,  looking more than a bit annoyed at his situation.
The Husband and Son #2 drove the squirrel up to the bottom of the mountain and the edge of the  forest (where there would be lots of pine cone seeds to eat) and opened the door to release him.

He wouldn't go out.
They tipped the trap and shook him out.
He turned around and jumped back in!
They shook him out again  and the squirrel just stood there.

We thought  that maybe he was a city squirrel, who loved to live where food was abundant.

We could tell he was not looking forward to living his life in the woods.

And, we thought that maybe he had family members still at our house. (insert sad face here)

Or maybe he just liked to annoy Archie who was still racing around the yard trying to find the evil squirrel who's scent was so overwhelming.

Yesterday The Husband trapped Squirrel #2 (we think it was #2).

The Husband thought that he should spray a little paint on the squirrels tail - just to be sure it wasn't a Homing Squirrel - who liked life at our house a lot!

Friday, 13 April 2012

Figs - How Do I Love Thee? Well, I'm Not really Sure!

Last summer I posted about a fig twig that I had purchased with the 'pie-in-the-sky' expectation of the fig harvest I would enjoy. 
Or should I say hoping to enjoy as I have never tasted a fig ripe from the tree.

That post is missing and I'm annoyed as I am sure I had a recipe on there that looked quite tasty. 
Blogger tries my patience most of the time  - they are not user friendly enough for me and I could go on about my frustration  but, move on Joy - the post is gone, get over it.

This is what it looked like when I planted it.

This is what the fruit looked like in August. 
I was so excited to see fruit!

As our summers are quite short the fruit did not reach eating maturity (disappointment and sorrow was abundant) and into the garage it went for its much needed winter sleep.
  But as most farmers (and farmers daughters) say, 'next year will be better'

In anticipation of having a more successful crop this year I brought it into the house in mid February.

I wanted it to have a longer growing season so that perhaps I would get to harvest a fig.
 I am so curious as to how a real fresh fig tastes.

I think the fruit came out before any leaves and here is a picture of one of the two figs that have appeared.


So now the dance begins - I haul it out on the deck every morning and haul it back inside in the evening. This in itself is not a big effort but add to the mix seven citrus trees and it becomes a big job.

I'll be really put out if it turns out that fresh figs taste like crap!

Wednesday, 11 April 2012

Will Be Missed By Mary

I was talking to my sister yesterday and she mentioned that a person we had gone to school with had passed away.

http://www.ucmp.berkeley.eduJoseph LeConte (1869-1901) 

(isn't this an odd looking headstone)

..anyway, on with my story ....

I didn't have clue one who she was talking about and the more information she gave the more I realized I really didn't know the person.

Our conversation progressed into how he had died and she mentioned that someone (name removed to protect myself from the wrath of this "someone") told her he had died at home so that could only mean that he had taken his life.

  What!!??   Really?!!  Is she on crack? Why would anyone say something like that?

I said, "isn't she the same person who, when Darren McKennley (name made up) died and the last line on  his obituary said 'will be sadly missed by Mary' (his wife's name was Heather - name made up), she ("someone" ) said that she had known about this affair for many years, had run into Mary several times and that not many people had known about his indiscretion - then the paper came out the following day with  the obit typo changed to  'Will be sadly missed by Many' ".

She ("someone") is such an ass.