Life Goes On.

I have been away mentally.  I have not felt like sharing and I have not had joyful happy thoughts.

These past weeks have been a blur of emotions.  A close friend has been diagnosed with breast cancer.  I am panicked.  She is panicked.  Its hard to look her in the eye and not think that her days on this earth have been shortened substantially.

So many things run through my mind and I try not to say them out loud because they are not always the right words.

'There is a cure around the corner.  I heard that they are making great progress with (insert new drug name here)'

'You'll be fine - just keep positive thoughts.'

'I know someone who was diagnosed with cancer seven years ago and he/she is  still alive.'

'Just hang on till your kids are graduated.'

'I can make you chemo turbans.'

'What am I going to do without you?'

And then I start bargaining with God.

Dear God, I promise not to pray for the lottery win if you just let her live.

Dear God, I promise to be a better person if you just let her live.

Dear God, I promise to spread the word of God if you just let her live.

I promise, I promise, I promise .... etc. etc.  

I think my voice is too quiet for God to hear as I've bargained before with not good results.

And I am suffering guilt from thinking how my life will change with the extra work helping them out and the extra time they will need that will be added to my already busy life. And then I think how her life, and the life of her husband and kids, have changed and I feel like an ass.

But our lives still go on.  I go to work, she goes to work. I meet with friends, she meets with friends.  We clean and cook and discipline our teens and talk on the phone and take out the recycling and try not to think too far ahead.

 Not past the surgery date which we hope and pray will be the end of her cancer.



I can't help but worry about her kids.  I hope they don't have to live their lives without her.

Dear God.